Let’s put it this way, I love to touch and be touched. Though I prefer to touch more, and even more so during any shibari session. But there is more than just, touching, right? Especially when you want to make the session more interesting. However, why do we do that, and where (appropriately, of course) do we touch to have more ‘effect’?
Again, I am writing more in the context of consensual touch. Please be mindful that any forms of non-consensual touch is going to distasteful and offensive, which will either land you a verbal lashing at best, a slap / punch or a court order at worst. (duh…)
Ever heard of ‘No man’s an island?”. It basically also means that we are largely social beings. We seek comfort, security and satisfaction from physical contact. We use it for distress and as a coping mechanism. It is literally the first sense we developed (in the womb) and our skin receptors are coded for positive and negative effects during such times.
[Did you know? During the Covid restrictions from 2020 to 2022, there was a spike in psychological distress and coping issues because people won’t allowed to interact and the reduction of touch? This non verbal form of social interaction was basically non-existent during that 3 years.]
When we are babies, the soft caressing feeling on our skin soothes us, makes us comfortable and loved. Growing up, our definition of touch changes accordingly. We learn to hug, to kiss, to caress; we learn to interpret the intensity of the touch. The term hand shaking the ‘dead fish’ points to the simple handshake – with different angles, different pressure applied will denote different meaning such as dominance, submission, etc. So how you touch is also important!
In Garry Chapman’s book – The Five Love Languages, physical touch is one of them. To quote “People with physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, including kidding, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language. The roots go back to our childhood…“. The truth is that we all have varying degree of each 5 languages
And in shibari, we can actually give all 5! Just think of it:
- Words of affirmation / degradation (since some of us have that degrading fetish)
- Quality time – You are definitely spending quality time with each other, given that the focus is literally on either of you only. The full presence of each other.
- Act of service – Checking on you, caring for you when in ropes (are you comfortable or is there enough pain?)
- Receiving gifts – of pain, pleasure… and wax?
- Physical touch – How you tie, move their limbs, touch them during a session?
Ok, so we do know touch is shiok (nice), but why so? How does pleasant touch send the feel-good signals from skin to the brain? (Definitely not through wi-fi) When you are touched, various cortices in the brain release hormones – Cortisol and oxytocin. Cortisol helps in reducing stress and mood regulation. Oxytocin is also known as the ‘love hormone’. Basically it is a hormone and neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in various social and reproductive behaviors, including arousal and sexual activity. So more Oxytocin released, the more ‘fun’ it will be.
So what do I usually do in a (private) session? How do I ‘practice’ my touch with my bottoms? One of the most powerful techniques I employ is slowing down. Rather than wanting to go into the tie immediately, I take my time to explore the bottom’s body, using slow and deliberate movements. In fact, I would just sit behind her, syncing my breathing with her. Using my breath to create a gentle breeze over her skin, thus creating a sensual experience that is both calming and erotic. This can also build up her anticipation – creating that mindset crucial for psychological arousal and orgasm. Another effective technique I find is the use of light touch. Feather-light touches can create intense feelings of pleasure and anticipation, and can help build arousal over time. I am not a fan of using feather literally, but I want to give a mix sensation on the bottom’s skin, so sometimes I do use the frayed ends of my ropes to just stimulate the neck. (She can’t see how awkward it looks by the way).
Also, please don’t just go for the ‘usual’ spots (Clit, nipples, penis, etc). You got the ENTIRE body to play with, and the human body is more than just for stimulating the genitalia. In fact, some ties already prevent you from touching those places. So what are the other parts? I tie A LOT more females than male so I am just going to write on what I do most. But it can also be applied to males. So let’s start from the top.
The Hair
If you realise how much money, time and effort, and the length ladies go to have their hair done and maintained, you will know that disrespecting it will definitely get you in hot soup. If you know that their hair is their pride, then avoid tying it! Do the reverse! Play with it, caress it.. move it around with love as you are tying. Just make sure you don’t end up having her lying on the floor and you giving a full fledged head massage.
Remember, it is not a massage, but what you want to do is to stimulate some of these spots. And they are usually acupoints that is commonly used in head massages.
For me, I will breathe into her neck, and my hands touching behind her ears, stroking the head whilst managing her hair… before I tie.
Oh ya, pulling it gently works too!
The Arms
This is one part of the body that you confirm will touch and tie. The wrists are one common part that we would probably miss when touching. For those who remember, when we were young we would see adults using the inner side of the wrists to test for temperature of the milk bottle. There is a reason for it – the inner wrist have receptors that are sensitive to heat / changes in temperature. One of the fun things i used to do is to have a cold drink nearby and i would chill one of my hands before grabbing the wrists. It does give a slight shock and an interesting sensation to the bottom. Or in this case, I would continue cold play (as opposed to wax play) for the duration of the session.
Even lightly running your fingers (if you have fake nails even better, provided they don’t break while tying) from the shoulders down through the forearms are sexy and arousing enough. Grabbing and holding the forearms together while tying (a single column) gives the impression of being in submission. You are slowly playing with the mind – mental arousal, which is more powerful / engaging. What you want is to provide some authenticity in submission, and one of the ways is to continue holding on to the arms whilst you tie or when there is no rope at all. (I read / learn somewhere that rope is an extension of your arms, your grip. And you want to give the bottom the impression that she/he is always bounded)
The Back
Different areas of the back have different level of sensitivity. I would urge you to try this experiment:
- have to relative sharp object (it is not to poke through the skin). Even a pair of chopsticks is good. But they must have as small a footprint as possible.
- now try ‘poking’ one or two points on different parts of the back and get the bottom to guess how many point of contact there is.
- For example, I would poke 2 chopstick at the buttocks and most of the time, the bottom will guess it is one chopstick used. Or 2 chopsticks at the shoulder blade, and the bottom will be able to guess 2 chopsticks are used.
The idea here is to know which part of the back is more or less sensitive to touch. Then you will have an idea of where to caress with varying pressure.
The interesting thing here is that the direction / and duration of your caress matters as well. The lumbar area of L3 to L5 are best for you to give a good 5 finger press in for a few seconds, whereas a stroke downwards from C1 to C3 gives an arousal / ticklish feel where you may see your bottom curl up a little. Similarly a simple stroke up from the hips through the buttocks to L5 (on both sides) at the same time does stimulate the inner thighs / genitals.
There are definitely a lot of more points and stroke directions, pressure points that you can try on the back and get a multitude of results. Try and explore by yourself!
There are many many more places that I would like to cover but reading to here does give you a sense of the workings of touch. Probably in time to come I will update this post again. But till then … Explore more and touch more, as I will always be.
Nawa Kenshin 